深霧的光影文字
今天早上收到friendster寄來的電郵，通知我今天（香港時間的昨天）是她的生日。
自從認識她之後，每一年，不論和她那年的交集有多少，我也會跟她說生日快樂。起初我還會企圖聊幾句，make a conversation，但到後來，就只剩下簡單的一句happy birthday（想裝可愛的時候，就會說happy b-day），然後就回到自己的世界去，那個和她沒有交集的世界。
回想起關於她的事，彷彿就見證了自己當年的青澀，幼稚和無知。而可笑的是，其實根本甚麼事也沒有發生過。但偏偏就是這種可笑的事，才最難讓人釋懷。
今天，我沒有給她發訊息。原因，不單純是因為她已經很久沒有上過MSN，或是Friendster上改變了的status。人生到了某一個階段，有些事情，需要一個closure。又或者，這件事的結局，在那個夏季完結的時候，早就已經寫了。
所以，今天，我只是靜靜的聽一遍劉若英的《生日快樂》，寫下這隻言片語，然後繼續自己的生活。
You probably would have guessed that I have nothing to write about when I am rehashing things that I wrote in the past. :p
So, here is some sort of a diary/personal record entry in my pre-blog days. It was posted on my BBS board (which contains some of my deepest secrets :p) and was written in October 2003, more than 3 years ago. It’s funny that a large part of it still applies to me today:
I do not know why I am writing this piece in English. I guess I am being influence by a friend who I just got to know on the BBS. Sometimes I cannot help but to laugh at how easily I can be influenced by people who I just got to know. Is this a sign of naivety? Perhaps. There are things in life which I cannot do anything about, and the naive side of me is one of them. It will only go away with time, and once it goes away, it will never come back.
After my first year in the university, my English writing skills had been constantly deteriorating. Nowadays, I am only good for writing dry and dull technical reports. As you see, I am trying my best in trying to express my feelings in English, admittedly for the first time in my life.
(2006 edit: I think my English got even worse since then…)
Sometime ago, I was taught the difference between “lonely” and “alone.” Alone is whether there are people around you, it is a physical state which can be quantified (excuse the seemingly technical description). Lonely, on the other hand, is a feeling. A person can feel lonely even when he or she is center of attention of hundreds or thousands of people.
A long time ago, I started repeatedly asking myself the same question: Am I lonely? I know I am not alone. Although I have a rather reserved and timid personality, at every stage of my life, I don’t feel I am lacking in friends. However, at most times I really doubt if any of my friends know me well, even though same may know me better than others. I did not really let anyone know the “full version” of me.
I remember when I was in grade 10, a friend once asked me if I think I have a friend who really know me deep inside. “No” was a prompt answer from me. Come to think of it, I don’t think I know myself all that well either.
To me, that is loneliness.Lonely despite being surrounded is still better than being both lonely and alone. That was the mentality I have adopted over time. I started to look forward to hang out with my friends, and I would feel sad if a suddenly change of plan cancelled an outing. I look forward for my friends to go online on ICQ (2006 edit: ICQ, now that is a real sign of time), so I can chat with them. I would feel bored and restless if there isn’t anyone to chat with.
Perhaps same may say I was just groaning while not feeling any pain. My parents live with me, unlike others who may have to live alone in a foreign country; although it does snow once or twice a year during the winter, the snow in Vancouver is merely a nuisance compared to the constant sub-zero temperatures and snow storms in other parts of North America. I must admit I am a lucky person, in a sense, I guess that is what changed me in recent years.
Sometime not too long ago, I stopped asking myself that question. It’s not that I do not feel lonely anymore, but I learnt to live with it. If a friend can’t make it for a dinner, fine, I would eat at home and save myself some money. If none of my friends are online, fine, I would start early on the programming assignment. (2006 edit: oh, my good old hardworking self…)
So what if I spend all four years in university life being single? (2006 edit: okay, so I was wrong about being for all four years) If the feeling is not there, it is simply not going to happen. It is that simple, really.
Sometimes I even declined offers of going out just because I don’t want to shower again after going out, or not wanting to drive 30 minutes, or simply I don’t want to get out of the house.
I am not shaken by loneliness anymore, at least on the surface.
I am not invulnerable, I never will. What I can do is to make those feelings seem trivial, and just move on with life.
-the piece ends here-
It’s fun looking at what I wrote in the past. People sometimes get stuck in the present and seemingly forget who they used to be and why they are where they are in the first place. But understanding the past is the only way to move forward to the future, in my opinion anyway.
And no, I don’t decline invites for going out (especially if you tell me you’re going to sing karaoke). It was just a figure of speech. :p
當有你在身後環抱負荷﹐我就踏得吃力﹐但你下車後﹐變成沿路風光的一部分﹐卻又令我不斷回望。
摘自餘弦棧：【小說】 單 – http://blog.cosine-inn.com/2006/09/374/
昨天在餘弦棧看到這麼一篇小說，短短的，但卻不知怎的引起我的共鳴。大概，是因為它描述了那個我自己不願意承認的我。
從我寫的文章裡，讀者永遠只會看到一個理想化的我：沉穩，冷靜，聰明，洞察入微，永遠也能猜得到女生的心思（當然，理想化的人物也需要一點瑕疵，例如被動）。若現實的我是這麼好的話，我就不用在星期五晚悶在家裡打電腦吧！ :p
也許表面看來，我是個穩重，不愛改變的人。但在我心裡，其實很怕「以後也是這樣」這個notion。若你告訴我，我以後二十年的生活都會是這樣的話，我真的會不知道如何是好（兩年多的研究所已經令我這麼頹廢了，還要二十年！？）。
一言蔽之，我的心還未有定下來，也還沒有定下來的打算，far from it。感情上如此，生活亦然。
若生活是真的充滿了諷刺的話，大概當我找到那個人，想安定下來的時候，我就會被莫名其妙的甩了。 orz
但在此之前，我大概要學懂如何煞車，如何去欣賞靜態的景色吧！
不論是誰的悲劇，這也是悲劇。
昨天跟學姐和學長在Pizza Hut吃晚飯。用過餐後，我提出去唱卡啦OK。學長登時皺了眉頭（他嫌最近沒有新歌好唱）。但他們終是坳不過我（而且我們真的沒甚麼事好做，又不想直接去吃甜品）。
自稱「歌詞Database」的我，實在無復當年勇了。我以前有多厲害？就是連非主打歌的歌詞也可以整首背出來。現在的我，唱最近經常播的《恢復自由》和《花灑》也唱得「甩甩咳咳」，更遑論表演一邊唱一邊選歌的「絕技」了。
我們本來只預計唱一個小時，卻還是賴了兩個小時才離開卡啦OK。我們畢竟都是喜歡唱歌的人。
唱到後來，學長點了一首《我的快樂時代》。當唱到副歌的時候，我和學姐都不約而同的一起高唱著：
長路漫漫是如何走過 寧願讓樂極忘形的我
離時代遠遠 沒人間煙火
毫無代價唱最幸福的歌
這一次，我們完全不用看電視上歌詞，只因如學長所說，那歌發表的時候，是我們的年代。
那是甚麼年代？是一九九八年，我們三個還是在中學的年代。
昨天唱完歌之後，想要寫一篇關於我的中學時代的blog，然後就無可避免地想一起一件我幾乎沒有主動向別人提起的往事：
話說那時是grade 9，是九月尾吧，lunch之前那一課，是Social Studies。當老師講到十六世紀的英法在北美殖民的情況的時候（天，為甚麼我會連這是無謂的詳情也記得這麼清楚），我的肚忽然一陣不適（換言之是很急啦！），本來想挺到老師講完課之後才去洗手間（不要問我為甚麼，我當年年少無知）。
但是，我終究是挺不住…
換言之，fuck，我「賴屎」了！
fuck, fuck, fuck!（＜－到今天想起還是這個反應）
然後，當然，空氣瀰漫著一股為人熟悉，但大概沒幾個會覺得好聞的氣味（尤其是肚子不舒服時出來的是特別「和味」）。
這個如此「騎喱」的事件，令我消沉了好一段日子。尤其是好死不死在那班上有個喜歡玩針對（就是現在很流行講的bully）的＜請自行加入形容詞＞人。之後的兩三年，他還是拿這事來取笑我。
其實，若當時的我對自己比較有自信一點，自尊心比較弱一點（沒自信＋強自尊＝deadly combination for a guy），我大可以聳聳肩，解釋說我那時是肚子不舒服，那是一個意外，別人取笑我，我只能說他是無知。但是，這個在意他人眼光的我，心裡就是不舒服。
就這樣，故事說完了。這故事沒有甚麼寓意，只不過突然有種不吐不快的感覺而已。
忽然發覺自己的人生裡面，在我主動爭取的時候，結果往往強差人意。但當我變得漫不經心，對那事不再在意的時候，好事反而會上門來。
例如，在MSN上想跟別人說話，講幾次「hihi」卻沒有人理睬（我被人加入了ignore list嗎？）。但不經意的改個personal message就有人來關心。（謝謝妳們啦）
例如，很在意朋友都一雙一對的時候，沒交到女朋友。在expectation去到最低的時候，愛情就來了。
又例如，小說投稿沒回音，就算簽了約也出不成書。但當我快要放棄出書的希望的時候，出版社找我說對我的舊作有興趣。
究竟我的人生真的是不是有這麼多irony（這樣用對嗎），還是我只是為自己的懦弱被動找藉口而已？
那麼，我在在意甚麼？
我很在意我寫的小說有沒有人在看。
我很在意書出了但賣不過第一刷。
我很在意自己在人前或人後出醜。（在人後怎出醜？其實出醜與否是自我的感覺，你覺得有就有，沒有就沒有。這跟有沒有別人在場是沒關係的。）
我很在意為何我的麼能力不及別人。
我很在意別人（尤其是女生啦，我承認）怎麼看我。
也許，隨著人變得成熟，我會學會看開點吧！